So I woke up feeling bored and thought: “Hell, why not make horoscopes quick and dirty?”
Grabbed my phone still half-asleep first thing. Tapped Linda C Black’s site – slow as hell, that purple astrology background took forever to load. Annoying when you just wanna know if Mercury’s being a dick today.
Step 1: Stole the damn data
- Copied-pasted ALL zodiac signs into Notes app. Gemini first ’cause that’s me.
- Highlighted only the juicy bits – like “avoid money talk” or “hookup potential high”. Cut the fluffy spiritual crap nobody reads.
- Tossed emojis like candy: 🔥 for passion, ⚠️ for warnings, 💸 for money stuff. Visuals beat paragraphs any day.
Step 2: Murdered the word count
- Original Scorpio paragraph was 97 words. Slashed it to 9: “Secret admirer 💘. Hide receipts ⚠️.”
- Kept punching Delete key till every sign fit ONE tweet-length line. Felt like editing ransom notes.
- Tested reading speed out loud – timed myself with microwave clock. First draft took 5min. Unacceptable.
Step 3: Gave it teeth
Added savage titles because vanilla is for cupcakes:
- Aries: “FIGHT EVERYONE 🔥 (but nap by 3PM)”
- Libra: “Say NO or do everyone’s work AGAIN ⚖️”
Spilled coffee on keyboard around here. Cursed. Wiped it with sleeve – kept typing.
Final boss: The 3min test
- Made my roommate read it while brushing teeth. He spat toothpaste yelling “Pisces part’s confusing!”
- Chopped three more words. Tried while microwaving ramen. Ding! Finished reading exactly when noodles cooked. Perfecto.
Epic disaster: Forgot Capricorn initially. Realized halfway through coffee refill. That’s what caffeine’s for – crisis management. Went back and murdered their paragraph too: “Work avalanche 📉. Yes, you’re underpaid.”
Done before my toast popped up. Linda C Black’s fluffy novel became bathroom reading material. Snappy, brutal, fits between TikTok scrolls. Next time: condensing therapy sessions into meme formats.